Feb. 4, 2009 is a day that changed a lot of things for James & I. Thats the day the courts decided to put Jorja Jayne in our care. Thats the day that my youngest baby decided she hated me for something she thought I had done to take her baby away from her. Thats the day that all of my suspicions came to light as far as how deep Katys addiction truly is.
Jorja has now been with us since September full time BUT on paper as they say since Feb 4, 2009. It hasnt been easy BUT I wouldnt trade it for anything. This week hasnt been an easy week for me in dealing with all of this. I dont know what changed, well until yesterday, to make it harder for me to grasp the longevity of this.
After what I was told on Saturday about what Tim & Teresa are telling people, namely Lane & Mitzi I feel as if James & I are on trial here and the wrongs Katy has done are all ok in others eyes. If they only knew what I found yesterday they would realize she is worse now than she was when she only took pills.
This poor new soul she is carrying doesnt stand a chance at this point. The Lord has to be taking care of him and like Jorja he has to have a special purpose in this life.
The thing of it is, I have no one I can talk to about this...well until now. I dont want Lane & Sarah to know all of the bullshit because as a Mother I am holding out hope that somehow the Lord will intervene and Katy will eventually decide to get the help she needs for her addictions.
After Katy asked to come here on Wed evening to visit with Jorja and then didnt show up KILLED me. Watching Jorja look for her Momma. Asking about her...all I could do was cry. then when she calls 2 hours after she is supposed to be here, sounding higher that she has ever sounded and giving me some long lie, I hurt even worse.
People do not understand the roller coaster this has me on mentally & emotionally. I have to enforce the tough love. I do and it is actually easy. The hard part is watching my baby do these things to herself and this beautiful baby she has that loves her unconditionally.
Then when I went into her apartment on Thursday and found those pill bottles for 60 adderal & 24 klonapin dated for March 12 & 19 I about collapsed. Both bottles were empty. That means just last week she was in yet another Drs office getting these dangerous drugs prescribed to her. Is she taking them? I have no idea. Is she selling them? I dont know that either. Either way its WRONG... She has money & she appears to be so high when we talk to her I have my suspicions as to what is happening.
Reporting this find to Kathy was hard. Asking Kathy to PLEASE go to the judge and ask her to lock Katy up for endangerment to the new baby was not as hard as some of the other things we have been through. Katy is showing now and that part is hard. She says she doesnt know what she is going to do with the new baby. Its like if she doesnt talk about it then it will go away. I NEVER dreamed I would be having a new grand baby and not be happy and doing things to get ready for its arrival. I would have never dreamed I would have to tell someone that I cannt take care of my own grand baby BUT we know it is going to be born addicted. I have a feeling it will require special needs that at this point James & I are not equipped to handle.
All of this has completely overwhelmed me this week BUT the Lord has put someone back in my life that has allowed me to see some of this through Jorjas eyes. I hope her going back through some childhood memories doesnt hurt her too badly. She has been the biggest blessing to me the Lord could have ever sent.
I want Katy to love herself enough to FIGHT this addiction and all that goes along with being an addict. I want people to stop lying and gossiping about James & I when they dont have a clue about what we are all about. The facts they are going on are lies from an addict. I hate that this newest information about the newest Dr visits wont come out until they have opened their mouths as to the TRUTH as they know it. They are going to look like complete fools and it could have all been avoided if they would only talk to me or even listen a little. I do believe I tried to discuss with Tim. I have tried several times to discuss Katy with Tim BUT he refuses to think I would tell him the truth. OMG...it is NOT about us, it is about our daughter and then most importantly our grand daughter and a new grand child.
Katy did call this afternoon to see if she could come by and see Jorja. I agreeded to 4. She showed up an hour late. She did manage 30-40 minutes BUT what a chore it was. The bag full of candy, the nodding off from what ever medications she was on, the craziness of Katy. It took us a while to get Jorja back in control.
It saddend me to say that from now on she will have to make arrangements with Social Services for her visits. I cannot chance her being high and starting something. That is not in the best interest of Jorja.
I pray one day and hopefully soon she will wake up.
OK Im tired for now. Going to bed I think and will write more when I have a chance to sit down maybe Sunday afternoon....
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Comment on part one,as the tears have clouded part 2,after the thougth of jorja crying for her Mama.GOD it makes me sick! about me.I dont think my perspective is clouded at all.I think that I keep my mistakes Ive made kinda at the forethought,so I dont make them again.And I think what you say is me justifying things,is actually me reminding you,probably more me,that I had help to get where I am,and I dont want to forget that.For the record.THe socks were folded and in the drawers.And the drawers were folded and put up too.I dont feel like Im spinning.I feel like I need a break.I feel like Im still evolving.I think I may need to lay off the speed,true.I want to be the best Mom I can be,and wife I can be with out loosing ME.Thats why I need to finish school.Its a goal,not a dillusion for me.It will happen.I jsut have to take the right steps.Maybe what you think of me spinning is me taking steps for myself that we may disagree on,is all.Im not mad at you.I dont see things from your point of view is all.B/c youre on the outside looking in,and Im trying the best I can.Right now,my job is to be wife and mom.There is not really any time for Sarah things,and at this point,aside from school,I dont know what they would be.Im doing the best I can.
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