There have been some things happen this week that have had my mind in a tail spin.
We spent the weekend at Sarah's house and I am concerned about her. With the bi-polar she seems to really be in a spin. The diet pills have added to this Im afraid. She sees things from a different perspective and I am not really sure it is a clear perspective of what is actually going on.
In her mind she seems to be able to "justify" everything she is doing and that is a scary thing.
I do not think she needs to be in the hospital or anything like that BUT she does need to be completely honest with her DR. I think her meds need to be monitored more closely by someone more qualified to monitor the type of meds she needs. I dont think that therapy would hurt her one bit. She has always thought she was smarter than the Dr and manipulates the situation.
I wish she would put as much effort into taking care of herself mentally as she does in justifying everything she does or doesnt do.
Her mind is spinning 100 miles an hour. Ive been there. You try to justify it, you feel superior to others when you know things they dont know. You find it exciting in some warped way when you appear smarter than the person next to you in Walmart. The thing of it is..thats NOT what is important. Big words, different terminology, running on about things does not make you any better. It just covers up the insecurities you are having about yourself at that moment. Or so we convince ourselves.
It took me a long time to realize these things. I thought I was putting up a good front. HAHAHA Thats all it was...a thought. The way I see it Sarah thinks she has everyone fooled about her insecurities and that she is TOUGH and needs no one or she knows better than anyone. Even reading her blogs, she goes on rambling and justifying her actions.
I want my daughter happy. I want Sarah to understand to embrace today. I want Sarah to truly know its not about weather its a Carnival cruise or one to the Mediterranean. People do not care. Hell, Ive never been on a cruise so a cheap Carnival cruise would be just fine with me.
Its about having a mate for life (which I failed miserably at) and knowing what they want. Its about LISTENING to what they tell us and NOT going against their wishes EVEN when we think we know whats best for them. It is about going with them to things THEY want to do even if its not our thing, They do things with us that are not theirs. I have actually learned when I go with James to do some of the things he likes to do I learn interesting facts. LOL Facts I may need one day in a game of Trivial Pursuit!!!
I know what it is like to be overweight, I know what it is like to be insecure, I know what it is like to be scared, I know what it is like to feel inferior and not wanting others to know I feel that way. I know what its like to want a clean house but never being able to find the energy to accomplish that because the depression or the other compulsions or the urge to be outdoors or to go fishing take over. See if you go fishing or out planting and anything else away from the house you dont have to look at it. The apple didnt fall too far from the tree when it comes to my darling Sarah. I dont want her to be like me in those areas. I want her to be flexable BUT I wish for her to be more disciplined. Far more disciplined that I have ever been. I want her to cherish the fact she has a new house, something I have never had. I want her to know it could mean the difference in the long term happiness of her life and her marriage.
I know the scatteredness causes problems for her. Hell I have lived it. Josh is far more patient than Tim Brown ever was with me BUT I am concerned the patience will wear off in the midst of the chaos.
Believe it or not, it is important to have matched socks and underwear to be in the drawers where they are supposed to be. This is important for husbands as well as little boys. It helps little boys to grown up and be better men & husbands.
I look around when I am at Sarah's and I do not get up and do the obvious things. I NEVER EVER want my daughter to feel the way I did at times with my Mom & mother in law. I know I drove them CRAZY with my chaos. Hell, I drive James crazy with it now. I am better, far better than I have ever been. Maybe its age, maybe its that we have no room and I have learned with most of our stuff in storage the last year I dont need all the stuff. I completely SUCK when it comes to laundry. Oh I love to wash & dry...its the putting away I have issues with. LOL One day when I can afford a maid that will be her main job...laundry & mating SOCKS!!!!!
I cannot explain how much I love my darling Sarah. I wanted her so badly when I got pregnant with her. I wanted a baby and the Lord blessed me with her. All the stubburness, the wanting to be independant, the good and the bad, shes my baby and I only want her to be the best she can be. I want her to know its ok to ask for and get the help she needs to be that person she is trying to find. It doesnt matter if you have a degree or not to be a great person, what matters is whats inside. She has that, she just needs to learn how to direct it and direct it in a good way.
Now on to part 2 of this past week.
A little about me
- Beth
- My name is Beth and I am right at 49 yrs old as I write this. Most days I do not think of myself at this age. It is scary at times for me to think about being 49 but even scarier to be turning 50 in a year!!!! OMG where did the time go? I have probably had the hardest year of my life from Nov 08 to present. No let up in sight or time to breathe and regroup. There will be MAJOR changes for me in 2010 some people will understand and of course others NO ONE will understand unless they have walked in my shoes for a while. I have 3 beautiful children, 2 I can depend on and one that needs all the prayers she can get. My grand bitties are one of the best things in my life and I do love them so much even the one I cannot hold right now. Of course Nathan is going on his 10th year and I dont think he would appreciate being called a bittie :) Oh well, hes my man and thats that! I have made some small changes and going to work on some appearance changes even more with weight I have put on due to stress coming OFF this body of mine this year. I am ready to find me again and it will happen soon.