Feb. 4, 2009 is a day that changed a lot of things for James & I. Thats the day the courts decided to put Jorja Jayne in our care. Thats the day that my youngest baby decided she hated me for something she thought I had done to take her baby away from her. Thats the day that all of my suspicions came to light as far as how deep Katys addiction truly is.
Jorja has now been with us since September full time BUT on paper as they say since Feb 4, 2009. It hasnt been easy BUT I wouldnt trade it for anything. This week hasnt been an easy week for me in dealing with all of this. I dont know what changed, well until yesterday, to make it harder for me to grasp the longevity of this.
After what I was told on Saturday about what Tim & Teresa are telling people, namely Lane & Mitzi I feel as if James & I are on trial here and the wrongs Katy has done are all ok in others eyes. If they only knew what I found yesterday they would realize she is worse now than she was when she only took pills.
This poor new soul she is carrying doesnt stand a chance at this point. The Lord has to be taking care of him and like Jorja he has to have a special purpose in this life.
The thing of it is, I have no one I can talk to about this...well until now. I dont want Lane & Sarah to know all of the bullshit because as a Mother I am holding out hope that somehow the Lord will intervene and Katy will eventually decide to get the help she needs for her addictions.
After Katy asked to come here on Wed evening to visit with Jorja and then didnt show up KILLED me. Watching Jorja look for her Momma. Asking about her...all I could do was cry. then when she calls 2 hours after she is supposed to be here, sounding higher that she has ever sounded and giving me some long lie, I hurt even worse.
People do not understand the roller coaster this has me on mentally & emotionally. I have to enforce the tough love. I do and it is actually easy. The hard part is watching my baby do these things to herself and this beautiful baby she has that loves her unconditionally.
Then when I went into her apartment on Thursday and found those pill bottles for 60 adderal & 24 klonapin dated for March 12 & 19 I about collapsed. Both bottles were empty. That means just last week she was in yet another Drs office getting these dangerous drugs prescribed to her. Is she taking them? I have no idea. Is she selling them? I dont know that either. Either way its WRONG... She has money & she appears to be so high when we talk to her I have my suspicions as to what is happening.
Reporting this find to Kathy was hard. Asking Kathy to PLEASE go to the judge and ask her to lock Katy up for endangerment to the new baby was not as hard as some of the other things we have been through. Katy is showing now and that part is hard. She says she doesnt know what she is going to do with the new baby. Its like if she doesnt talk about it then it will go away. I NEVER dreamed I would be having a new grand baby and not be happy and doing things to get ready for its arrival. I would have never dreamed I would have to tell someone that I cannt take care of my own grand baby BUT we know it is going to be born addicted. I have a feeling it will require special needs that at this point James & I are not equipped to handle.
All of this has completely overwhelmed me this week BUT the Lord has put someone back in my life that has allowed me to see some of this through Jorjas eyes. I hope her going back through some childhood memories doesnt hurt her too badly. She has been the biggest blessing to me the Lord could have ever sent.
I want Katy to love herself enough to FIGHT this addiction and all that goes along with being an addict. I want people to stop lying and gossiping about James & I when they dont have a clue about what we are all about. The facts they are going on are lies from an addict. I hate that this newest information about the newest Dr visits wont come out until they have opened their mouths as to the TRUTH as they know it. They are going to look like complete fools and it could have all been avoided if they would only talk to me or even listen a little. I do believe I tried to discuss with Tim. I have tried several times to discuss Katy with Tim BUT he refuses to think I would tell him the truth. OMG...it is NOT about us, it is about our daughter and then most importantly our grand daughter and a new grand child.
Katy did call this afternoon to see if she could come by and see Jorja. I agreeded to 4. She showed up an hour late. She did manage 30-40 minutes BUT what a chore it was. The bag full of candy, the nodding off from what ever medications she was on, the craziness of Katy. It took us a while to get Jorja back in control.
It saddend me to say that from now on she will have to make arrangements with Social Services for her visits. I cannot chance her being high and starting something. That is not in the best interest of Jorja.
I pray one day and hopefully soon she will wake up.
OK Im tired for now. Going to bed I think and will write more when I have a chance to sit down maybe Sunday afternoon....
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Craziness of this week for me and some realizations...Part 1
There have been some things happen this week that have had my mind in a tail spin.
We spent the weekend at Sarah's house and I am concerned about her. With the bi-polar she seems to really be in a spin. The diet pills have added to this Im afraid. She sees things from a different perspective and I am not really sure it is a clear perspective of what is actually going on.
In her mind she seems to be able to "justify" everything she is doing and that is a scary thing.
I do not think she needs to be in the hospital or anything like that BUT she does need to be completely honest with her DR. I think her meds need to be monitored more closely by someone more qualified to monitor the type of meds she needs. I dont think that therapy would hurt her one bit. She has always thought she was smarter than the Dr and manipulates the situation.
I wish she would put as much effort into taking care of herself mentally as she does in justifying everything she does or doesnt do.
Her mind is spinning 100 miles an hour. Ive been there. You try to justify it, you feel superior to others when you know things they dont know. You find it exciting in some warped way when you appear smarter than the person next to you in Walmart. The thing of it is..thats NOT what is important. Big words, different terminology, running on about things does not make you any better. It just covers up the insecurities you are having about yourself at that moment. Or so we convince ourselves.
It took me a long time to realize these things. I thought I was putting up a good front. HAHAHA Thats all it was...a thought. The way I see it Sarah thinks she has everyone fooled about her insecurities and that she is TOUGH and needs no one or she knows better than anyone. Even reading her blogs, she goes on rambling and justifying her actions.
I want my daughter happy. I want Sarah to understand to embrace today. I want Sarah to truly know its not about weather its a Carnival cruise or one to the Mediterranean. People do not care. Hell, Ive never been on a cruise so a cheap Carnival cruise would be just fine with me.
Its about having a mate for life (which I failed miserably at) and knowing what they want. Its about LISTENING to what they tell us and NOT going against their wishes EVEN when we think we know whats best for them. It is about going with them to things THEY want to do even if its not our thing, They do things with us that are not theirs. I have actually learned when I go with James to do some of the things he likes to do I learn interesting facts. LOL Facts I may need one day in a game of Trivial Pursuit!!!
I know what it is like to be overweight, I know what it is like to be insecure, I know what it is like to be scared, I know what it is like to feel inferior and not wanting others to know I feel that way. I know what its like to want a clean house but never being able to find the energy to accomplish that because the depression or the other compulsions or the urge to be outdoors or to go fishing take over. See if you go fishing or out planting and anything else away from the house you dont have to look at it. The apple didnt fall too far from the tree when it comes to my darling Sarah. I dont want her to be like me in those areas. I want her to be flexable BUT I wish for her to be more disciplined. Far more disciplined that I have ever been. I want her to cherish the fact she has a new house, something I have never had. I want her to know it could mean the difference in the long term happiness of her life and her marriage.
I know the scatteredness causes problems for her. Hell I have lived it. Josh is far more patient than Tim Brown ever was with me BUT I am concerned the patience will wear off in the midst of the chaos.
Believe it or not, it is important to have matched socks and underwear to be in the drawers where they are supposed to be. This is important for husbands as well as little boys. It helps little boys to grown up and be better men & husbands.
I look around when I am at Sarah's and I do not get up and do the obvious things. I NEVER EVER want my daughter to feel the way I did at times with my Mom & mother in law. I know I drove them CRAZY with my chaos. Hell, I drive James crazy with it now. I am better, far better than I have ever been. Maybe its age, maybe its that we have no room and I have learned with most of our stuff in storage the last year I dont need all the stuff. I completely SUCK when it comes to laundry. Oh I love to wash & dry...its the putting away I have issues with. LOL One day when I can afford a maid that will be her main job...laundry & mating SOCKS!!!!!
I cannot explain how much I love my darling Sarah. I wanted her so badly when I got pregnant with her. I wanted a baby and the Lord blessed me with her. All the stubburness, the wanting to be independant, the good and the bad, shes my baby and I only want her to be the best she can be. I want her to know its ok to ask for and get the help she needs to be that person she is trying to find. It doesnt matter if you have a degree or not to be a great person, what matters is whats inside. She has that, she just needs to learn how to direct it and direct it in a good way.
Now on to part 2 of this past week.
We spent the weekend at Sarah's house and I am concerned about her. With the bi-polar she seems to really be in a spin. The diet pills have added to this Im afraid. She sees things from a different perspective and I am not really sure it is a clear perspective of what is actually going on.
In her mind she seems to be able to "justify" everything she is doing and that is a scary thing.
I do not think she needs to be in the hospital or anything like that BUT she does need to be completely honest with her DR. I think her meds need to be monitored more closely by someone more qualified to monitor the type of meds she needs. I dont think that therapy would hurt her one bit. She has always thought she was smarter than the Dr and manipulates the situation.
I wish she would put as much effort into taking care of herself mentally as she does in justifying everything she does or doesnt do.
Her mind is spinning 100 miles an hour. Ive been there. You try to justify it, you feel superior to others when you know things they dont know. You find it exciting in some warped way when you appear smarter than the person next to you in Walmart. The thing of it is..thats NOT what is important. Big words, different terminology, running on about things does not make you any better. It just covers up the insecurities you are having about yourself at that moment. Or so we convince ourselves.
It took me a long time to realize these things. I thought I was putting up a good front. HAHAHA Thats all it was...a thought. The way I see it Sarah thinks she has everyone fooled about her insecurities and that she is TOUGH and needs no one or she knows better than anyone. Even reading her blogs, she goes on rambling and justifying her actions.
I want my daughter happy. I want Sarah to understand to embrace today. I want Sarah to truly know its not about weather its a Carnival cruise or one to the Mediterranean. People do not care. Hell, Ive never been on a cruise so a cheap Carnival cruise would be just fine with me.
Its about having a mate for life (which I failed miserably at) and knowing what they want. Its about LISTENING to what they tell us and NOT going against their wishes EVEN when we think we know whats best for them. It is about going with them to things THEY want to do even if its not our thing, They do things with us that are not theirs. I have actually learned when I go with James to do some of the things he likes to do I learn interesting facts. LOL Facts I may need one day in a game of Trivial Pursuit!!!
I know what it is like to be overweight, I know what it is like to be insecure, I know what it is like to be scared, I know what it is like to feel inferior and not wanting others to know I feel that way. I know what its like to want a clean house but never being able to find the energy to accomplish that because the depression or the other compulsions or the urge to be outdoors or to go fishing take over. See if you go fishing or out planting and anything else away from the house you dont have to look at it. The apple didnt fall too far from the tree when it comes to my darling Sarah. I dont want her to be like me in those areas. I want her to be flexable BUT I wish for her to be more disciplined. Far more disciplined that I have ever been. I want her to cherish the fact she has a new house, something I have never had. I want her to know it could mean the difference in the long term happiness of her life and her marriage.
I know the scatteredness causes problems for her. Hell I have lived it. Josh is far more patient than Tim Brown ever was with me BUT I am concerned the patience will wear off in the midst of the chaos.
Believe it or not, it is important to have matched socks and underwear to be in the drawers where they are supposed to be. This is important for husbands as well as little boys. It helps little boys to grown up and be better men & husbands.
I look around when I am at Sarah's and I do not get up and do the obvious things. I NEVER EVER want my daughter to feel the way I did at times with my Mom & mother in law. I know I drove them CRAZY with my chaos. Hell, I drive James crazy with it now. I am better, far better than I have ever been. Maybe its age, maybe its that we have no room and I have learned with most of our stuff in storage the last year I dont need all the stuff. I completely SUCK when it comes to laundry. Oh I love to wash & dry...its the putting away I have issues with. LOL One day when I can afford a maid that will be her main job...laundry & mating SOCKS!!!!!
I cannot explain how much I love my darling Sarah. I wanted her so badly when I got pregnant with her. I wanted a baby and the Lord blessed me with her. All the stubburness, the wanting to be independant, the good and the bad, shes my baby and I only want her to be the best she can be. I want her to know its ok to ask for and get the help she needs to be that person she is trying to find. It doesnt matter if you have a degree or not to be a great person, what matters is whats inside. She has that, she just needs to learn how to direct it and direct it in a good way.
Now on to part 2 of this past week.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Potty Dance
It amazes me how much I have forgotten about raising a 2 yr old! This potty training thing is something entirely out of the ordinary for a 48 yr old!!!
Jorja is doing a right fine job potty training James & I. She hollers, we run!!! She even has the "potty dance" do to a fine art.
We have managed 3 days with no accidents and even have Cinderella panties to show for it. Walmart isn't a challenge nor are restaurants! We are learning very well and have learned for the most part what to watch for.
James and I have forgotten most everything we knew or atleast thought we knew about raising babies. HA this may be a good thing. What we do know is we have more patience with her than we did when ours were small. We appreciate the little things she does and says. We tend to take the time needed for the small things with her and realize important things to a small one may not be important to us BUT they are important so we stop and take the time needed.
Life goes by too fast so we are just taking things at a 2 yr olds speed!
Yes we do dance. It is mainly the "potty dance" these days BUT it is a dance just the same.
Jorja is doing a right fine job potty training James & I. She hollers, we run!!! She even has the "potty dance" do to a fine art.
We have managed 3 days with no accidents and even have Cinderella panties to show for it. Walmart isn't a challenge nor are restaurants! We are learning very well and have learned for the most part what to watch for.
James and I have forgotten most everything we knew or atleast thought we knew about raising babies. HA this may be a good thing. What we do know is we have more patience with her than we did when ours were small. We appreciate the little things she does and says. We tend to take the time needed for the small things with her and realize important things to a small one may not be important to us BUT they are important so we stop and take the time needed.
Life goes by too fast so we are just taking things at a 2 yr olds speed!
Yes we do dance. It is mainly the "potty dance" these days BUT it is a dance just the same.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Watching as life goes by from the sidelines
I do think this past weekend had to be one of the hardest I have ver been witness to.
To see a strong youngman go from life to death without so much as a sigh.
To watch his momma and daddy trying to hold out hope as their baby boy lay lifeless having machines breathe for him.
To see his nanny and papa lose the most precious life that was ever given to them. His Papa's Buddy & his Nanny's heart.
Watching them try to decide what parts of their baby to allow someone else to have so that life could continue for someone else.
Watching those precious baby friends of his try to make sence of all this and telling their friend goodbye.
Knowing someone had to give this child to God and hearing with my own soul God whispering to me "give him to me"
I had to see Dillon, I had to lay eyes on him while I was praying. I did, as he entered the elevator for the final test to see if his brain was alive.
As Dillon entered that elevator I gave him to God. It wasnt my job to give someone elses child, someone elses grand child to God. Nor in my mind but the Lord had a different idea.
Within 10 minutes of me praying over Dillon, he was gone. He was with our God who was asking me to give this child to him.
I only knew him for a brief minute in my life and if that minute meant I would have to give him to God, I would do it again.
Lord please bless, Tom, Patsy, Leigh-Ann, Jeff, Dale, Laurie, Dillons brothers & sisters and his other family that are greiving so badly atthis time. Send the angels to comfort them Lord as only they can.
To see a strong youngman go from life to death without so much as a sigh.
To watch his momma and daddy trying to hold out hope as their baby boy lay lifeless having machines breathe for him.
To see his nanny and papa lose the most precious life that was ever given to them. His Papa's Buddy & his Nanny's heart.
Watching them try to decide what parts of their baby to allow someone else to have so that life could continue for someone else.
Watching those precious baby friends of his try to make sence of all this and telling their friend goodbye.
Knowing someone had to give this child to God and hearing with my own soul God whispering to me "give him to me"
I had to see Dillon, I had to lay eyes on him while I was praying. I did, as he entered the elevator for the final test to see if his brain was alive.
As Dillon entered that elevator I gave him to God. It wasnt my job to give someone elses child, someone elses grand child to God. Nor in my mind but the Lord had a different idea.
Within 10 minutes of me praying over Dillon, he was gone. He was with our God who was asking me to give this child to him.
I only knew him for a brief minute in my life and if that minute meant I would have to give him to God, I would do it again.
Lord please bless, Tom, Patsy, Leigh-Ann, Jeff, Dale, Laurie, Dillons brothers & sisters and his other family that are greiving so badly atthis time. Send the angels to comfort them Lord as only they can.
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